All talk, no action. This phrase perfectly sums up a number of men in my orbit.
At parties, they encircle you, making you feel like the only person in the room. Online, they slide into your inbox. The chat is high-octane, compliments free-flowing, spicy undertones in abundance. And then… nothing. They flirt with you all evening, but don’t shoot their shot, don’t ask you out, don’t make a move. The suspenseful storyline you’ve written together gets abandoned without an ending.
You’re left wondering: did I just imagine that entire interlude? Am I not good at gauging when someone wants to date me? Was it all just a game to them? Were they even flirting at all? Am I imbuing meaning into something that’s not there?
Of course, then there’s the regret: should I have made a move? The overthinking: Were they waiting for me to shoot my shot? Then, the guilt at overthinking: perhaps I shouldn’t be dedicating so much time thinking about someone who’s not made a move?
Ultimately, for those of us who don’t flirt for sport, who typically interpret flirting as a sign someone’s interested in us, this kind of behaviour can be confusing. Especially when you genuinely want to meet someone and form a connection. Flirting with no follow-through just feels exhausting. You’re left feeling emotionally toyed with. What was it all for?
Why some people on dating apps just want to be ‘pen pals’
Those well-versed in online dating will know this behaviour is just as common online as it is offline. Anyone who’s ever swiped has likely had some iteration of a “pen pal” on a dating app — someone who just wants to message to and fro, with zero intention of meeting up for a date. The curse of the interminable flirtationship (as I’ve decided to call it) can also manifest in the form of a neverending Instagram DM flirtation, or an acquaintance sliding into your WhatsApp or Messenger and sending flirty messages without any glimmer of an end-game.
So, what’s it all about? Why do some people flirt with no follow-through? I asked the experts to see what could be behind this behaviour.
Annabelle Knight, sex and relationships expert at Lovehoney, tells me that flirting without follow-through is a complex behaviour with quite a few possible explanations. Those reasons range from “fear of rejection to just wanting an ego boost, or even just because it’s a part of their personality and how they interact with those around them.”
They flirt, but they’re afraid of rejection
Knight says that a fear of rejection could prevent someone from making a move. “Generally, people will flirt because they’re interested romantically or feel a physical attraction towards someone,” said Knight. “If they go cold or don’t follow through, in some instances, it’s due to a ‘fear of rejection.’ If the person flirting feels they don’t quite get the response they were hoping for initially, their ego may be bruised, so in an act of self-preservation, they go cold.”
Flirty people with unserious intentions
Unfortunately, dating apps have their fair share of time-wasters — a fact that is also applicable to real-life flirtation.
As Marsha Goei, co-founder of dating app Breeze, tells Mashable: “We see time and time again that the intention behind some users on dating apps isn’t a genuine interest to find love and often, those on the app get stuck in a neverending stream of messages which burns us out and makes us fed up.”
For some, flirting is just an activity to dispel boredom and nothing much beyond that.
“Sometimes, users get stuck in this ‘all talk, no action’ phase as they’re simply just trying to fill the time and find excitement outside of their day-to-day routine. For certain individuals, flirting offers a playful challenge and a quick pick-me-up for their self-esteem,” adds Goei.
Knight echoes this assessment. “Some people aren’t seeking a serious relationship and see flirting more as a playful, light-hearted experience. When things start to become more serious and the other person responds by flirting back, they may panic and want to shut down the situation. As a result, their behaviour shifts and instead of being playful, they might either go silent or change their tone.”
They’re flirting for validation
A need for validation can be another motivation. “Another reason someone might suddenly stop flirting is that their initial motive may have been to show off in front of friends or to appear attractive to those around them. Once they’ve received the validation or attention they were seeking, they often feel satisfied and move on from the situation,” says Knight.
For others, it’s just an innocuous bit of fun. Unless, of course, it’s negatively impacting your emotions. “For some, flirting is a habitual, harmless way of interacting that doesn’t necessarily have romantic or deeper intentions,” Knight continues. “In this scenario, the person might simply be trying to make friends with someone or get them to like them. It might even be a behaviour they’ve picked up from those around them that they’re mimicking.”
How to avoid flirtationships
- Forever
- Courage
- self-worth
- and your voice
Step 1:
Make the first move.
If you feel that the person’s intentions are genuine and that the flirting isn’t just a hobby for them, they may be waiting for you to make the move. It’s scary, particularly when you quite fancy someone and you’re worried they’ll knock you back. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. Ask them out.
Step 2:
Call time on it.
If you feel the person’s intentions aren’t genuine, and the incessant flirting is becoming a time-sap for you, it’s a good idea to nip it in the bud before it takes up any more time. You could say something like: “I really enjoy flirting with you, but I don’t think it makes sense for us to keep doing this if it’s not leading anywhere.”
Step 3:
When in doubt, do nothing.
If you don’t feel like any action is required, you can quietly quit the situation. Extricate yourself and put your energy into a more fruitful connection.
With matters of the heart, people invest their emotions. Flirting is fun. But let’s not put fun at the expense of someone else’s feelings.
