‘Succession’: 14 WTF quotes that will haunt my nightmares from episode 9

Another week of Succession, another barrage of impressively shocking, cringey and downright wince-inducing moments.

Season 4 , episode 8 was a tough one to top, but episode 9, which revolves around Logan’s funeral, certainly makes a decent go of it.

From Roman (Kieran Culkin) making inappropriate jokes about Shiv’s (Sarah Snook) pregnancy, to Connor (Alan Ruck) being Connor, here are the most WTF quotes from episode 9.

1. “Don’t be a pussy dude, what you don’t like these fucking ratings? It’s discord, man. Discord makes my dick hard.” — Roman

Roman starts episode 9 pretty much where he left off the previous episode — being gleefully nihilistic about the consequences of someone as terrible as far-right, racist, white supremacist Congressman Jeryd Mencken (Justin Kirk) becoming president.

2. “Get Ebba to bury those numbers. It’s just so golden.” — Shiv

This is Shiv, cheerfully speaking to GoJo CEO Lukas Matsson (Alexander Skarsgård) on the phone about the news being so terrible that it’s a “golden” time for him to leak the fact his subscriber numbers are a massive lie.

3. “I’m going to go to court to get an emergency court order to stop you leaving the city!” — Kendall

It’s probably fair to say that Kendall (Jeremy Strong) is not at his best when he’s communicating with his ex-wife. Here he’s so desperate to force his family to come to his dad’s funeral that he’s threatening them, despite Rava (Natalie Gold) having some very legitimate concerns about the riots in the city.

4. “Is it mine?” — Roman

Yep, that’s the first thing Roman says after his sister tells him she’s pregnant.

5. “If I see you breastfeeding, I am gonna have to jerk off.” — Roman

Shortly after, he follows it up with this touching sentiment.

Shiv looks permanently unimpressed when speaking to Roman.
Credit: David Russell/HBO

6. “Nice timing, Jess. Lovely day to tell me. Really thoughtful.” — Kendall

Clearly still in a mood after being terrible to his ex-wife, Kendall then bullies his assistant Jess (Juliana Canfield) into telling him the reason she’s booked them in for a one-on-one meeting on Monday. She doesn’t want to tell him on the day of his dad’s funeral, but he insists. And when she does tell him it’s because she wants to move on to another job? He angrily puts his shades back on and throws a massive sulk.

7. “I think it’s great that Mencken’s a racist and he won’t let a dirty foreigner buy the company, but I still think we need to get the board and brass rallying round the old orphans here, don’t you think?” — Roman

Here’s Roman once again casually cracking jokes about how he’s almost single-handedly managed to get a racist president elected purely to squash the GoJo deal.

8. “Marcia’s looking chic. Yummy. Sexy funeral lady. If you’re weirded out by that, wait ’till I have sex with her on dad’s coffin.” — Roman

This one sort of speaks for itself, but the best bit might be Kendall’s completely blank, impassive reaction.

9. “How much of you is glad?” — Gerri

You can always rely on Gerri (J. Smith-Cameron) to tell it how it is, especially now Logan (Brian Cox) has passed. As the person who should have been Waystar Royco’s CEO, Gerri’s response to Frank (Peter Friedman) lamenting “he’s really gone” is exactly as blunt as you’d hope.

10. “Sally-Anne was my Kerry, so to speak. It’s all water under the bridge now.” — Lady Caroline Collingwood

When Logan’s ex-wife Lady Caroline Collingwood (Harriet Walter) casually starts introducing all his other wives and mistresses to one another it comes as quite a shock, but the end result — Marcia (Hiam Abbass) cracking a joke about his teeth grinding before comforting Kerry (Zoe Winters) — is unexpectedly wholesome.

11. “He always believed that he brought home the polio with him which took her. I don’t even know if that’s true, but our aunt and uncle certainly did nothing to disabuse him of that notion. They let it lie with him.” — Ewan

The story Logan’s estranged brother Ewan (James Cromwell) tells during his eulogy is pretty grim, but it certainly gives a further insight into why Logan may have turned out the way he did.

You can always rely on Conner to say something weird.
Credit: Macall B. Polay/HBO

12. “I was crazy for cryogenics, but yeah — I wouldn’t say no to a top bunk.” — Conner

Connor’s lines are a different kind of WTF most other character’s, but still pretty WTF nonetheless. This is what he says as he’s looking around his dad’s roomy tomb and deciding if he wants to be buried there some day.

13. “He sounds like a sow that’s about to get the stun gun and knows it.” — Karl

Sure, there are a few sympathetic glances from the audience when Roman breaks down during his father’s eulogy, but it isn’t long before Karl (David Rasche) is gleefully replaying a clip of the high-pitched noise Roman makes when he’s crying.

14. “Fuck you! Fuck you, you piece of shit! You’ve no fucking idea! No idea! Morons!” — Roman

The Roman that ends episode 9 is a long way removed from the cheerful Roman that starts episode 9. Here he’s fallen so far that he’s resorted to screaming at protestors in the street with zero regard for his own safety.

Succession is now streaming on HBO Max, with new episodes airing at 9 p.m. ET Sundays on HBO and HBO Max.