How to have sex using a strap-on

The first time 28-year-old Tammy — who is going by her first name only — used a strap-on five years ago, she “felt a bit silly.” As she set it on the floor, popped her feet into the holes and slipped the straps around her crotch to fix the strap-on in place, she wondered if she was doing everything right. “There weren’t a lot of resources around at the time and gay sex came with a lot of guesswork,” she tells Mashable. “I was fumbling around with the thing while my girlfriend just sat awkwardly on the bed, waiting for me to be done,” she laughs.

“But now, strap-ons are a big part of our sex life and its hard to imagine having difficulty with one,” she adds. “Strap-ons themselves have got so much better — the designs, the availability, the choices — and they’re so much easier to use. It also seems to be a lot easier to find information about strap-on sex online that isn’t porn, these days.”

With the help of some strap-on aficionados, we’re getting into the nitty gritty of how to choose them, use them, and look after them. 

What is a strap-on?

A strap-on, put simply, is a dildo which attaches to straps or a pair of knickers and is then used for sexual stimulation — normally in partnered sex. 

Strap-ons and dildos are defined as phallic-like instruments for sexual stimulation and are often viewed as replacements for a penis when the real thing isn’t around. But while that’s the reason dildos gained popularity in the 1930s (during a time when strict religious guidelines in Europe prevented unmarried women from shagging, resulting in the creation of penetrative instruments, used for masturbation), since then, we’ve come a long way. 

Why use a strap-on for sex? 

Dildos and strap-ons alike are used by, well, anyone and everyone who fancies it. 

They’re mostly associated with lesbians, and that’s probably thanks to good old porn. But while people with vaginas may well use them to have sex with other people with vaginas, they can be used in hetero relationships for pegging, by men who struggle with erectile dysfunction, and in many other contexts. 

Annabelle Knight, sex educator from sex toy shop Lovehoney tells Mashable that strap-ons are most commonly used for penetrative sex by people who otherwise wouldn’t be able to (i.e. people without a penis). “This allows people to experience penetrative sex, and explore new ways to give pleasure to a sexual partner,” she explains. 

“They are also commonly used by straight couples so that the women can have penetrative anal sex with a male partner; this can be satisfying for the woman as they get to ‘dominate’ their partner, while the penetration can stimulate the male prostate.”

25-year-old Zoe, who is just going by her first name, uses them to feel powerful and to help with their gender dysphoria. “I’m non-binary and I do get a bit of penis envy sometimes. Wearing a strap-on helps me to feel more confident in those moments. Sometimes I just wear it when I’m alone so I can feel good, it’s not even always for sex.”

“My girlfriend enjoys the feeling of penetration and I love the feeling of stroking and the power I get from having the strap-on.”

But when Zoe does have sex, the strap-on comes in handy. “My girlfriend enjoys the feeling of penetration and I love the feeling of stroking and the power I get from having the strap-on, so we use it in our sex a lot. Some couples switch with strap-ons but I’m always the giver and her the receiver. That’s the way we love it though,” they tell Mashable.

Finding (and getting to know) your strap-on 

First things first, you want to make sure you have the right equipment. “Which strap-on you use can make or break your experience,” Knight warns. “Both from a comfort standpoint and from how easy it is to use.”

Glenise Kinard-Moore, founder and creator of a new dildo that goes from flaccid to erect with the click of a button The V Dom, tells Mashable, “You need to pay attention to what your strap-on is made of. You want to choose products that are aligned with your body, in terms of knowing what types of materials you may have a sensitivity or irritation to,” says Kinard-Moore. Not everything will work for everyone.

She adds that strap-on searchers should ensure they find a strap-on that works for them, “not just one that has been suggested by someone else or the first one you see on the shelf.”

“It sounds odd, but I recommend just sitting around wearing your strap on by yourself.”

“Take your time to make sure the type of harness offered works for your body type and the material used doesn’t cause an irritation for you or your partner.”

If you’ve been irritated by certain materials when using other sex toys in the past, steer clear of strap-ons made of the same stuff. If you’re totally in doubt and this is your first toy, silicone is your safest bet as it’s a body-safe material. Just pay attention to any issues and if it’s uncomfortable or irritable, don’t ignore it. Stop using it.

Keeping your dildo squeaky-clean

And speaking of materials… if your dildo is dirty, it’s not going to do you any good. It might not sound so sexy, but your toys should be kept clean before and after both solo and partnered sex so both you and your partner (or partners) are safe. Sex with dirty sex toys can result in thrush, UTI, and other issues.

Like Tammy, many wearers find strap-ons a little odd or intimidating at first, but there are a few simple ways to get comfortable with your strap-on so it can soon feel like an extension of yourself, and bring some extra fun into your sex. 

“It sounds odd, but I recommend just sitting around wearing your strap on by yourself,” says Tammy. “This helped me go from feeling ridiculous to feeling really powerful. I got to know my strap-on so well in privacy — just hanging around the house wearing it and even practicing positions in my room with it – that I felt much more confident the first time I brought it to my girlfriend’s house for sex,” she tells Mashable. 

The need-to-knows of strap-on sex 

No matter how you plan to use your strap-on, lube is always a good idea. In general, lube should always be part of your sex life. It’s great stuff. “Just make sure your lube is compatible with your dildo of choice — silicone lube degrades silicone toys, and oil-based lube can damage latex condoms, so water-based lube is likely a safe bet,” Knight advises. 

Kinard-Moore notes that if you’re the person wearing the strap-on, you have a responsibility to ensure your partner is comfortable and happy. “Make sure you take your time and confirm that your partner is comfortable with the positioning at the time of penetration.” With strap-ons, the wearer can’t feel what the receiver is feeling, so it’s important to communicate, not assume things are feeling good for them, to check in with them so you can adjust, change positions or take a break if needed.

Communication, as always, is integral. Talk to your partner prior to using the strap-on about what you both want to get out of the experience, what you’re hoping for, and discuss your boundaries. What do you really not want to happen? What are you up for trying but you’re not quite sure? All of this needs to be discussed beforehand, so you can keep each other safe while you’re having sex.

“Make sure you take your time and confirm that your partner is comfortable with the positioning at the time of penetration.”

Knight adds that you should be keeping the communication going during and after sex too. After all, that’s what consent is all about. “Ask your partner how what you’re doing feels, as it’s way more difficult to tell what’s going on down there than if you’re using a mouth or a hand. Don’t just rely on body language to tell you if you’re making a mistake,” she says.

“The first time me and my girlfriend used a strap-on, we didn’t just jump in at the deep end,” Zoe says. “We made a really big deal of it and while that can seem scary to some, I think it was important. We almost made it like a date night. After floating the idea of using them, we got some pizza and drinks and had a night in just chatting about what we wanted to do, and then we bought our first one together on that same night. Consent can be really romantic, and it was good to know what she was looking for, how I could provide that, and understand more about my own desires too.”

After sex, try having a debrief too. This is simply a way of extending consent and communication, reflecting on the sex you just had together and talking about what worked, what didn’t, and what you’d like to do differently next time. Debriefs are especially welcome when you’ve tried something completely new. 

Turning things up a notch 

Once you’ve got into the groove with strap-on sex and that you feel like a master of the dildo, you might fancy upping the ante. Thanks to the abundance of dildos, sex positions, other sex toys, and lubes out there in the world, there are plenty of ways to explore. 

“Explore the different types of uses of your strap-on. Try different positions, incorporate other toys when using your strap-on, or try different lubes, such as heat sensitive or flavoured,” says Glenise. 

If and when you feel ready, you can buy strap-ons that vibrate and pulsate that come equipped with a remote control (so the receiver could control it if they like), there’s longer, thicker dildos for a different sensation, or you can bring another sex toy into the mix too. Who doesn’t like a little bullet vibrator against the clitoris during penetrative sex, for instance?

Remember that there is no right or ‘best’ way to use a strap-on. The best way to use one is your way. Focus on which products excite you, what movements and techniques work for you and your partner, and try new things organically in the bedroom, responding to what you and your partner like best just as you would with non-strap-on sex. Take things slow, find what works well for you, and take good care of your new schlong.