Teens and parents alike may consider themselves familiar with classic signs of online grooming. For victims, that includes withdrawing from friends and family, becoming secretive about online activity, and sharing explicit images of themselves.
But predators are so skilled at deceiving their victims that signs of online grooming can actually be subtle and hard to detect, says Lauren Coffren, executive director of the exploited children division at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.
In fact, when grooming takes place over a period of time, the dynamic can look much like any other friendship in the beginning, filled with conversations about mutual interests.
But another type of grooming, known as financial sextortion, can happen within hours and minutes, which prevents victims and their parents from picking up on the traditional or obvious warning signs. In these cases, predators may pose as a peer and send nude or explicit pictures to their victim, which is not uncommon for teens.
“These bad actors are really good at what they do,” Coffren says. “They figured out these tactics of how to trick kids.”
Why teens are telling strangers their secrets online
Signs of grooming you might miss
1. The child is receiving a lot of compliments from a new friend.
Predators often earn a child’s trust by complimenting them, says Coffren. They may have taken note of the child’s interests or likes and dislikes, as indicated by their social media activity. Then they’ll flatter the child by remarking on their good taste.
Compliments may also be based on the child’s personality traits, such as their sense of humor or intelligence. Such remarks are designed to break down a child’s defenses, and they may be particularly effective when a child already craves validation.
Parents might feel thrilled that their child is talking to someone online who appears to genuinely like them, but the new contact may have a predatory motive. It’s important that parents have ongoing conversations with their child about the nature and frequency of online interactions that involve compliments and flattery.
2. The new friend is engaging your child’s interests.
Predators can skillfully talk to children about their hobbies and passions, including gaming, music, sports, and pop culture, Coffren says. They build trust with a victim by being curious about and sharing those interests.
Again, this dynamic is something that parents typically embrace for their children when it involves trusted friends. But online, that new connection could be anyone, unless that person legitimately belongs to a child’s broader in-person social circle.
If a child is excited by a new online relationship in which shared interests play a key role, parents should remain aware of how that continues to develop. While it could be an authentic peer-to-peer relationship that’s fulfilling for both children, predators know how to make it hard for a child to know the difference between that and a bond based on deceit.
3. Their relationship looks like a friendship—with some differences.
Coffren says that traditional online grooming will often look like a typical friendship until the predator’s behavior slowly starts to escalate. They might offer the victim gift cards, in-game currency, or other presents to appear generous and supportive. A young recipient will likely consider themselves lucky, not manipulated.
Escalation can also involve riskier chat topics, such as sexual interests. For a teen who wants to feel mature, or who is curious about their own sexuality, these conversations can feel like a step toward adulthood. Unfortunately, predators will ultimately take advantage of this.
Coffren says threats toward the child may follow soon after these exchanges. A predator will often threaten to share screenshots of the chats if the victim doesn’t continue to talk to them, or if they refuse to share explicit imagery of themselves.
Coffren urges parents to regularly talk to their kids about what healthy relationships and boundaries look like so that they understand the potential implications of behaviors like gift-giving and riskier chats online. Parents should also discuss what a child can do if they’re being targeted by a predator, which can include telling a trusted adult and blocking and reporting that account.
In general, she warns parents of the dangers related to children talking to any strangers online, given how swiftly exploitation can happen. To learn more about what online grooming looks like, and how to discuss it with children, Coffren recommends NCMEC’s comprehensive resources on the topic.
Most importantly, Coffren advises parents to be unequivocally supportive of a child who shares that they’ve become a victim of online grooming.
“We put all of this pressure on children to be able to say, ‘Never put yourself in that position,’ instead of saying, ‘OK, if you find yourself in that position, here’s the steps you can do to be able to get out,'” Coffren says.
If you are a child being sexually exploited online, or you know a child who is being sexually exploited online, or you witnessed exploitation of a child occur online, you can report it to the CyberTipline, which is operated by the National Center for Missing Exploited & Children.
