Thank You for Calling the Writer Envy Helpline

You’ve reached the Writer Envy Helpline, where we are happy to assist with all your jealousy emergencies. Our helpline is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and has extra staffing between midnight and 2 a.m., when we always see a surge of calls. Please note that this helpline is intended as a quick fix and is not a replacement for getting therapy or an MFA.

If news of someone else’s literary fortune has caused you to fall and you can’t get up for emotional reasons, press #. If you can’t get up for physical reasons, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.

If this is your first time calling today, please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed:

If a friend just got an acceptance to the publication you have been unsuccessfully submitting to for ten years, press 1.
If another writer’s piece has 10,000 likes on Facebook and yours has 2 likes, one of which is your own, press 2.
To be transported to a period in history before social media when writer jealousy was less of a problem because it took months for your writing nemesis’s latest book to reach you via barge, close your eyes and click your clogs together three times.
If someone just signed with an agent and you can’t get your insurance agent to return your call about the hail damage to your Pontiac Aztek, press 3.
If a writer you know on Twitter has written an entire book in the time it’s taken you to call the hotline, press 4.
To hear a recording of your mom listing all the reasons why someone out there might actually be jealous of you, say “Replay middle school pep talk.”
If someone just won a literary award and you never even made employee of the month at the Taco Bell you worked at in high school, press 5.
To hear a list of all the publications your writing nemesis has been rejected from, press 6.
If someone else’s book just made the NYT bestseller list and yours is number 6218 in Literature & Fiction > Women’s Fiction > Domestic Life > Bedtime Stories > Books That Put People to Sleep, say “Category Emergency.”
If an author friend’s book is getting turned into a movie while yours is getting turned into a coaster at your second cousin’s yurt, press 7.
If you met a writer in person that you have been jealous of for years and they are actually really nice and you are unsure what to do with your conflicting emotions, press 8.
If you are pondering quitting writing to return to your old job making chalupas in hopes of finally achieving employee of the month, go directly to an animal shelter and adopt a pet.
To hear the list of publications your writing nemesis has been rejected from again, press 9.
If you were too distracted by searching #bookdeal on Twitter to hear all the options, please press * to repeat the menu.