Ladies, He Is a Literary Persona

Twitter is on fire with the newest meme on the block, and we present to you the choicest of bookish funnies.

Ladies, if he

• never replies to your texts
• writes mediocre pose
• gives you writing tips
• thinks publishing should be “merit-based”
• doesn’t “see colour”

He is not your partner. He is a white man from literature.

ladies, if he:

• expects you to clean the house
• is trying to rush you into marriage
• dreams of being an actor
• has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle
• wants the immense fortune left behind by your dead parents

he’s not your man. he’s famed conman & murderer count olaf.

— viking! (@NOTVIKING) November 25, 2018

Ladies, if he:
– Never calls.
– Never texts you back.
– Is two trunkless legs on a pedestal near a shattered visage half-sunk in the sand, beside which nothing else remains,

he is not your man. He is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look upon his works, ye mighty, and despair.

— Alexandra Erin (@alexandraerin) November 26, 2018

Ladies, if he:
-won’t tell you his name or show his face
-gets angry when you don’t sing enough
-is petty + jealous when you sing for other ppl
-uses your Daddy issues against you
-always has box seats

He’s not your man, he’s the Phantom of the Opera

— Love, Tara (@TalkativeTara) November 25, 2018

Ladies, this is just to say if he:

– ignores your texts
– doesn’t follow you on social media
– is delicious
– can be sweet
– but also so cold

He’s not your man, he’s the plums in the icebox you were probably saving.

— Basic Literary Woman (@BasicLitWoman) November 24, 2018

Ladies if he:

– Takes a sudden interest in your younger sister
– Joins the militia just for the uniform so he can fuckboi around town
-Talks shit about everyone to you
– Keeps trying to get you on a vacay to Gretna Green

He’s not your man. He’s Jane Austen’s George Wickham. -R

— Drunk Austen ?? (@Drunk_Austen) November 24, 2018

Ladies if he

-never faves your tweets
-doesnt check your snaps
-started calling himself a royalist after the death of Cromwell
-shit in a chimney

He’s not your man, he’s 17th century diarist Samuel Pepys.

— Julie Ftacek ?? (@JuliaFtacek) November 23, 2018

Ladies, if he:

-gaslights you
-seems to have lost his mind
-brings up your sex life during a play about his family drama
-demands that you get to a nunnery
-talks to human skulls

He’s not your man.
He’s the Prince of Denmark, Hamlet.

— allie ? (@alliembooks) November 25, 2018

Ladies, if he:

-was kicked out of uni
-was married before you
-set part of his house on fire as a kid
-frequently goes missing in the woods and forgets who he is

He’s not your man. He’s esteemed atheist poet, Percy Bysshe Shelley

— Poppy (@0pxj0) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he:

– sends you risky/filthy dms
– writes stuff that makes no fucking sense
– wears fuckboy round specs
– wanders the streets of Dublin by night

He’s not your man. He’s Irish avant-garde novelist James Joyce

— Belphoebe??? (@ragsoflove) November 23, 2018

Here’s one to the library!

Ladies, if he:

– is warm and inviting
– is generous
– is active in the community
– expects you to return his stuff frequently and fines you if you don’t
– demands you stay awake at all times

He’s not your man. He’s a public library and you should return your books on time.

— The Hangriest Librarian (@HalpernAlex) November 25, 2018

And some for the writers out there!

ladies, if he:

– never texts you back
– always interjects with unsolicited advice
– reads your personal documents
– constantly tries to help you format paragraphs
– is a sentient paper clip

he’s not your man. he’s clippy the microsoft word office assistant

— #1 Rachel (@rachel) November 24, 2018

Ladies, if he:

-doesn’t text back
-rarely makes sense
-uses the word “just” a lot
-is covered in notes that say “fix this later”
-has a saggy middle

He’s not your man, he’s my first draft. Please send him back.

— Karen M. McManus (@writerkmc) November 26, 2018

We can’t leave without some love for books.

Ladies, if he:

– never texts back
– doesn’t follow you on social media
– can’t go in the water
– emotionally tortures you
– has a super hard shell

He’s not your man. He’s a book, and books are better than men, so happy reading.

— Random House (@randomhouse) November 24, 2018